Recognising Respect

As a woman who regards her man as a pretty good bloke, my wife Deborah will regularly tell me that she loves me.

Now, this is a very nice affirmation for a man to hear, but for me and perhaps many other men, being “loved” in a relationship is secondary to ensuring that we have sufficiently earned our spouses’ respect for us as men.

•	Respect is a little word which is accompanied by a large meaning – especially for men.
•	Respect is most often associated with the practice of a hierarchical deference, usually proceeding from the lower to the higher ranks of an order, be that in the mafia, the military, or the church.
•	Respect is also steeped in the good faith and competence, recognised in another person or in the whole of oneself.
•	Respect may manifest as integrity, trust, complementary moral values, and appreciated skills and talents, be they in self or in others.

However, as valuable as respect most certainly is, it can’t be bought, bullied, or bartered, and to attempt any of these strategies with others in order to “get respect” invites either resentful compliance, or distant defiance, which are relationship “killers” in their own right.

Ephesians 5:33 exhorts wives to respect their husbands, but this verse also exhorts husbands to love their wives as themselves. Ladies, we know that you love us (it comes with the territory), but what we really want to know is - do you respect us?, and how can we as men ensure that we maximise our chances of earning the respect of our women?

As men, we earn respect by setting boundaries for ourselves, whilst recognising the boundaries of others; we earn respect by being consistent in our mood and temperament; we earn respect by doing what we say we are going to do, when we say we are going to do it; we earn respect by behaving in safe and predictable ways; we earn respect by keeping our word and honouring a confidence; we earn respect by showing solidarity and support to our loved ones in times of both contentment and crisis; and we earn respect by honestly recognising and communicating our limits and vulnerabilities to others we trust.

Jesus of course, did all of these things – and the scriptures indicate that even those who chose to hurt him ultimately found themselves respecting him, Pilate (John 19:22) and the Centurion (Matthew 27:54) being two graphic examples.

Perhaps the most respectful act that God has shown towards the human race is granting everyone the personal sovereignty to either accept or reject His message of salvation. The choice to accept Christ as our Lord and Saviour is one steeped in a respectful “informed consent” – we are advised of the opportunity, and the ramifications of both accepting or rejecting the opportunity are laid out in simple and easy-to-understand terms.

Jesus says that he stands at the door of our heart and knocks, which is very respectful: he doesn’t say that he will kick the door in if we don’t answer the door, and in relationship with each other, this is a very useful reference point, particularly when showing respect to each other.

Yes, as a husband and a Christian, I could claim that I am “the head of my house”, and that, therefore, my wife Deborah “should” respect me by default. However, if I have earned neither her trust nor her respect for me over time, (by first loving her the way I am exhorted to in Scripture) then I may end up “heading” myself right out of my marriage, as Deborah will not be “led” by someone she does not feel safe and secure with, and this is both a reasonable and fair position for her to take with me.

Additionally, I do well to recognise that Deborah has strengths and talents that are different to mine (for example, she is both a better driver, and more practical than I am), and thus, in the spirit of “submitting, one to another” (Ephesians 5:21), I willingly defer to these strengths and talents, an act of respect towards Deborah by me, in and of itself.

And of course, being a man, it also means I get to have a wee sleep on the long trips away…

Steve Taylor is the Director of 24-7 Ltd, a Counselling, Supervision, and Mediation private practice located in Mt Eden, Auckland. Go to www.24-7.org.nz for more information.