“Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband”

The Book “Love and Respect” is getting lots of attention in the USA this year. Many church groups are using the book as a study guide or doing the small group DVD series. What is so revolutionary about one well known scripture? It is the two points that Dr Eggerich brings out:

*	Respect is unconditional, just as love is unconditional.
*	Women speak the language of “love”. Men speak the language of “respect”. Unless men and women understand that two languages are being spoken, they will talk past each other and not connect.

Eggerich put his finger on something I had never seen before--the concept of UNCONDITIONAL respect. In spite of my "goodness", I saw subtle ways I had undermined my husband through the years and chipped away at his heart. When I saw this, I stopped reading, picked up the phone, called him and apologised. Robin Our culture tells us that respect is earned, so this message is quite counter-cultural. On the other hand, no one suggests that a wife has to earn the love of her husband – it is accepted that love is unconditional. Dr Eggerich does clearly state the proviso that this way of relating is only recommended for a couple in a healthy marriage, not an abusive, manipulative one. Offering unconditional respect to an abusive spouse is not a way forward.

Without love (from him) she reacts without respect. Without respect (from her) he reacts without love. If this repeats over and over, Dr Eggerich calls it the “crazy cycle”. Even the best marriages get on the crazy cycle. The key is to get off it quickly before you harm your marriage.

Men fear contempt and then don't enter into conflict because their deepest desire is to be respected and during conflict they generally don't feel respected. When a man doesn't feel respected by his wife what does he do? A man's biggest sin is avoiding. That's what men do at this time. Almost every man (85% according to research by John Gottman) will stonewall, or become silent during conflict. He feels disrespected and fight or flight blood and adrenaline begin to flow. While the woman may feel she is trying to reconnect the relationship, the man perceives that he is in the middle of an argument and stays silent to prevent a potential explosion. The woman hears silence and interprets that as unloving and the crazy cycle is off and spinning.

However when couples relate well, then love and respect are generated to create an “energising cycle” that builds up the marriage. The positive reinforcement of a wife giving her husband the respect that he needs releases more love from him which releases more respect from her.

My wife and I used to fight all the time. This book really helped us. Our relationship is really good now. This book hits the core problems in marriage and gives real solutions. The book has specific sections for the men and sections for the women. Jason, California

Seminar comment: Once in a while, there comes the opportunity to change the direction of your life. This was such a weekend for Carol and me. Carol and I have a great marriage. One of the reasons for that is that we periodically invest a little time and money in a good tune up. Our marriage is our most important relationship. Emerson is an incredibly gifted man. He has studied his subject for over twenty years, holds a PH.D in his subject. Some of the information that he shared in the workshop was so informative that it was like someone turned a light on in the darkness. Have you ever been at an event with thousands of people and everyone in the room was deeply moved? This was one of those events. This workshop is HUGE for your marriage. David Porter, USA

This book made a profound difference in our marriage. I'm a "good" wife, my husband would even tell you that, but Eggerich put his finger on something I had never seen before--the concept of UNCONDITIONAL respect. In spite of my "goodness", I saw subtle ways I had undermined my husband through the years and chipped away at his heart. When I saw this, I stopped reading, picked up the phone, called him and apologised. You know what? He received my apology. He had felt disrespected, although he had never been able to put his finger on it.
I don't agree we everything in this book. At times I found it to be condescending, but because of the helpfulness to me and our marriage, I wholeheartedly endorse it for other couples. Robin

The “Love and Respect” book has been out for over two years but the momentum continues to build. This is partly because as couples learn about and apply it, many are seeing some real changes in their relationships. Dr Eggerich recognises that love and respect is only part of the answer and not some “magic bullet”, but it is an important ingredient that has largely been overlooked. His new book “Cracking the Communication Code” will be available in New Zealand shortly. It reviews the first book and adds more material on effective communication between men and women.